The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards... They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared and in it was found the following passage: "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Customer: Is this tea or coffee?
Waitress: What does it taste like?
Customer: Turpentine.
Waitress: Then it's coffee. The tea tastes like kerosene.
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital
who was "all torn up."
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake.
It has yellow and black stripes, and likes to
sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle.
You catch it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with
one hand and quickly running your other hand
up the length of it's body so you can grab it
behind the neck."
"Go on," the friend urged.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying
across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end
and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
Every young girl looks forward to the bride side of life.
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,
she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that
she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight,
ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bath-
room to tell her that her label mike was still on.
A man called the government office where I work and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement.
After I gave him the information, he went on to inquire about his wife's benefits. I asked if she had ever worked.
"She has worked all her life making me happy," he replied.
That was nice, I commented, but had she ever contributed to a pension plan?
"No," he said. "We made an agreement when we got married. I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile."
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast!
My mother says she never holds grudges, but then will
blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on
your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one.
You have a really big head you know."
A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great
grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
~~~Thought For The Day~~~
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs----jolted by every pebble in the road.
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared and in it was found the following passage: "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Customer: Is this tea or coffee?
Waitress: What does it taste like?
Customer: Turpentine.
Waitress: Then it's coffee. The tea tastes like kerosene.
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital
who was "all torn up."
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake.
It has yellow and black stripes, and likes to
sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle.
You catch it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with
one hand and quickly running your other hand
up the length of it's body so you can grab it
behind the neck."
"Go on," the friend urged.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying
across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end
and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...
just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"
Every young girl looks forward to the bride side of life.
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,
she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that
she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight,
ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bath-
room to tell her that her label mike was still on.
A man called the government office where I work and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement.
After I gave him the information, he went on to inquire about his wife's benefits. I asked if she had ever worked.
"She has worked all her life making me happy," he replied.
That was nice, I commented, but had she ever contributed to a pension plan?
"No," he said. "We made an agreement when we got married. I would make the living and she would make the living worthwhile."
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast!
My mother says she never holds grudges, but then will
blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on
your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one.
You have a really big head you know."
A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great
grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
~~~Thought For The Day~~~
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs----jolted by every pebble in the road.
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
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